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Throughout my life, I have been presented with many
potential answers to the question, "Who Is Jesus?" as I am certain many
others reading this have. But until a certain point in my life, it never
occurred to me that what was most important was not how someone else would
answer that for me, but how I would respond to that question. It's also
important to answer the questions, "Do you know Jesus?" and "Are you a
Christian/Are you "saved"? My answers are quite simple to both queries:
Jesus is my Savior; yes, I know Him very well; and yes, I am a Christian
and I am saved. But to merely say that I am a Christian and to answer that
quickly does not tell the whole story. Often, if I elaborate on the
answers to those who ask me a few become convinced that I am none of the
above, as it seems that they are fixated upon an image of Jesus and the
terms of "salvation," "savior" and "Christian" than my own.
Before I elaborate on this, I have quickly learned over the years that
the term "Christian" is often associated with as many stereotypes and
prejudices and assumptions as another word I use to define myself,
bisexual. But just as I have always felt the only true accurate definition
of bisexual is "one with the capability and/or the desire for sexual
and/or emotional intimacy with both genders," with many different
variations thereof. None of the them are "right" or "wrong" (so long as no
one is harming anyone) but merely different and diverse. I also feel that
"Christian" could be defined as, "One who embraces the teachings of Jesus
Christ as their way of developing a relationship with God," with many
different understandings of what that means. There is a diverse mix of
denominations, personal beliefs, and ideas about who Jesus was/is and what
he was here for, and I feel that these too are not "right" or "wrong" but
merely different and diverse (so long as no one is harming anyone).
I grew up with three separate visions of Jesus. One was my Sunday
School Jesus. I was told He loved me "because the Bible told me so." He
wasn't a strict disciplinarian and when the teachers would talk about Him
they just talked about how He did wonderful things through His faith in
God, how He shared God's Love with others and helped the needy, and most
of all loved the little children. He was more apt to smile at the children
gathered around Him in the pictures and tell them that they were all
special children of God and were loved than give them lectures on which
church was the "right" one to get to Heaven, which political party was the
One that He would vote for, or that they were all supposed to grow up to
be heterosexual. This was a Jesus that I did not entirely understand, but
One that I felt embodied a God of Love. As a child, there was never any
doubt in my mind that God, and this man Jesus who was somehow a part of
God, loved me or that God was anything other than Good, Love and Joy. My
current beliefs are not too far from this (though a bit more in depth) and
it brings what He said about "becoming as little children" -- meaning, to
me, embracing God with loving child-like faith and wonder and trust in
order to know God. (Unfortunately, today many who feel threatened by a
more open reading of the Bible, taking into account the knowledge God has
blessed us with through science, humankind and so on that the original
Bible writers were not aware of, they have reinterpreted this to mean that
we are to become children obedient to a literal reading of the Bible and a
patriarchal God who answers our child like inquiries of "Why?" with,
"Because I said so in the Bible.") But up until my first Sunday school in
3rd grade, all I knew was a loving, smiling Jesus, who talked of love and
joy and doing good for others instead of hellfire and shame.
It was in this class that I began to hear about a Jesus who would
replace the image of the One I knew and loved and that I truly felt loved
me with a very different image, a Jesus that was the prosecutor and judge
for His even more tyrannical father. This Jesus placed conditions and
requirements on love and salvation that made no sense to me. Rather than
embrace this Jesus because we loved Him, he was our "golden ticket" into
Heaven, a place where the entire city was literally made out of gold,
jewels, and riches and everyone would get a brand new body and live
forever with our loved ones. But, only if our loved ones had met the
requirements for entrance. Even our beloved Mommy and Daddy, if they did
not do the correct things or go to the correct church, Jesus who
supposedly loved us would send them to a lake of fire to burn forever. As
an 8-year-old, this horrified me beyond belief, that someone who loved as
much as I believed Jesus and God did could ever hurt anyone or do
something so mean.
My elderly Sunday School teacher then asked each child individually if
they were saved, which perplexed me, since God was so good to everyone and
Jesus loved each and every one of us, I had no comprehension of what we
needed to be saved from. I remember her telling us that in order to go to
Heaven and the magical city in the clouds when we died that we had to be
saved, and we had to make sure that anyone who we wanted to meet there was
saved, too. According to her, many people listened to the devil and that
made God so angry, so His son had to die to pay for our mistakes. And if
we did not ask Jesus to come into our heart, we would not be saved. This
was all beginning to sound to me like a fairy tale than about God. I had
never thought you had to say a certain prayer for Jesus to love me or to
go to Heaven, I just thought those were things that happened anyway. I
just thought God and Jesus Loved me no matter what. I recall her asking me
"You have asked Jesus into your heart, haven't you?" I recall thinking
that I didn't know why I had to, because it felt like He already was in my
heart. I remember thinking that the reason I tried to be a good boy and
kind to others was not to get to Heaven but because Jesus said that we
were supposed to love one another. I knew that God was real, the world was
too amazing and wonderful to think it was some accident. But, she said it
was mandatory that I ask Jesus into my heart, and if I had already done
so, not to do it again, as if I did I would be calling God a liar. That
night was sleepless as I cried alone, begging Jesus to come into my heart
and not to send my parents or me to the lake of fire. I was afraid I would
die in my sleep and wake up on the "Judgment Day" I had learned about in
church. Looking back now, I think it a bit irresponsible to try and
explain the concept of substitutionary atonement to such young children,
but then again, I see the very concept of such meant to instill fear of
God instead of the Love of God. This new Jesus I was learning about seemed
more like one of my teachers giving me a "test" to be graded on than
someone who really loved me.
Things got worse as I got older. This image stuck with me and developed
into an image of Jesus and of God (since we were taught they were the
exact same man-and it was always a man-once when I suggested, "How do we
know God looks like an old man? How do we know God might not be a woman,
or just a loving Light?" I was harshly rebuked.) that began to look more
to me like the devil they seemed to talk to us about a lot more than God.
God was up in the clouds in Heaven, and Jesus was there if we called Him
in the "right way." But we could never meet Him until He came to earth to
"clean house" and get rid of all the "sinners" once and for all (and that
was going to happen "any minute," they kept saying). But, the devil was
around every corner. Jesus hated sinners, I was told. And, based on the
feelings I was having as an adolescent/teenager, becoming aware of my
sexuality and the fact that I had sexual feelings towards my own sex as
well as the opposite sex, put me in the group that they told me Jesus
hated. I recall being told that any desire simultaneously hurt Jesus and
made Him and God angry with me. At the same time, I was required to listen
to the works of Hal Lindsey and how he had proof that Jesus was coming
back soon so we better get ready. All of the terrible things I was hearing
somehow did not seem congruent with the Jesus Who Loved Me Cause The Bible
Told Me So, but the Youth Group, the Pastor, and anyone in the church I
asked said, "Yep, it's all true, and it's all in the Bible."
Unfortunately, since I was told that that was the case, I never took the
time to actually read my Bible and find out that a lot of the things they
said were nowhere to be found there. So, I never got to know the real
Jesus. Instead, I let them paint a horrific picture of Him as judge and
jury who was more concerned about me taking the Bible literally than about
Love for me out of their interpretation of the Bible. This Jesus was
someone I never wanted to know, and the fear of hell did not scare me into
it. So, I walked away. I would not meet up with Jesus again until I really
got to know Him as an adult. It happened because for the first time I
really DID read the Bible, most specifically His story and His life, which
was what saved my life. It saved me from the real devil of fear, the real
hell of the illusion that God was a God of conditional love and from a
painful and empty life of hopelessness where alcohol was my god for many
years. It was ultimately through Jesus, His teachings, and His life that I
met the God of Love I had always hoped was there, the God I never really
got to know as a child or a young adult.
As I read the Bible, I saw a very different Jesus than the one of my
early childhood or my terror-filled fundamentalist adolescence. I saw a
great teacher, One who emphasized the importance of Love over Law and
religious doctrine and human weaknesses such as fear and prejudice. I saw
a human being who embodied in human form everything my heart had always
believed God really was, Love. I saw someone who was so determined to give
us that message of Love that He gave is very life for it, only to show us
that even death could not keep Him from living forever in our hearts and
as a real spiritual Presence that we can call on in times of need when we
allow fear to obscure our deep knowing that God has not forgotten us and
Loves us with an eternal and unconditional love. I know He lived and died
to give us that gift, as well as the keys we need to be closer to God, the
keys to an abundant life and how to stay focused on Heaven and the Kingdom
within in this life and whatever comes next.
He has shown us that there is no power greater than the power of God's
Love, and that with faith in God and love for one another, anything is
possible, and any obstacle we face can be overcome. He has shown us that
we reap that which we sow, and that the way to have abundant life is by
sowing seeds of love. When we stumble, and find that we have sown seeds
that produce negative consequences, He is there to help us pick up the
pieces and plant a new garden. He loved and embraced those who others
sought to banish from God's Love because they did not fit the societal
"mainstream" of His day. How can there be a person who is LGBT who has
been cast out who cannot see the hope in His message? He reminded us that
in God's Kingdom there are many mansions, which tells me that although
there are those in society who may see others as not being part of God's
Creation due to different beliefs or walks of life, God does not see it
that way. His statement that no one comes to (God) unless it is through
Him to me does not mean that one church or one religion is the "right"
one. Instead, it means that unless anyone, regardless of faith, can
embrace what He knew -- that Heaven, and God are to be found within
instead of a faraway place, that they will be searching for God's Love
instead of seeing what is there with us all the time. I do not think He
came to judge or to be a blood sacrifice to God or lay down a set of
strict laws. He came to show us the keys that we might have life and have
it more abundantly, and realize that God is Love, and God is always with
us.
When I read about His life, I can feel God talking to me through His
words, and feel the extent to which God cares about and Loves each and
every one of us. He is my light in the darkness of fear. For me, Jesus is
the One who knows how it feels to be persecuted for having beliefs that
fly in the face of the religious doctrine of the establishment. He knows
how it feels to suffer in the name of doing the loving thing in the face
of fear and temptation or to allow our fears, or pride, or ego to make
decisions. He knows how it feels to trust in God even when it seems as if
we have been forsaken amidst a sea of taunts, persecution, and judgment.
He has been my only friend in times of pain. He knows what it is to be
persecuted for being who you are and loving God in spite of what others
say God thinks of you and who others proclaim you to be. He is the real
loving nature of God incarnate, Who stood up for the persecuted with a
hand outstretched in love rather than a fist clenched in anger and
confrontation. He is the one who tells us that Heaven is not in some far
away place but as close as our own heart. He assures us that He is not
dead and God is not dead but very much alive in the hearts of those who
believe. He assures us that faith can save us from the illusions of fear
that often make us feel distant from God, regardless of what anyone says,
regardless of what our sexual orientation or sexuality is, regardless of
whatever demons we create out of our own human imagination. He is the one
who tells us that we have the power within us to heal illnesses, to move
mountains, to realize any dream so long as we believe. He saved me from
the pit of despair I had allowed my fears to create. He helps me to know
that God does not judge our sexual orientation or sexuality and not to
allow human judgments to let me or anyone else in the LGBT Community give
us the illusion of separation from God. He helps me to know that even when
others do not, that God understands my needs as a human being and a
bisexual. God understands that although my love life and intimate
commitments consist of two people, a woman and a man, I could do so
honestly without deceiving, hurting or manipulating others and enabled me
with the strength and patience to wait for that situation.
To me, He was a human being, one infused with the very nature of God
His spiritual presence, however, to me, is very much alive. It is a
comfort. The formalities and the walls of religious rhetoric come down
when I want to hear Him. For me to state that Jesus was an extraordinary
human being is a severe understatement to me, because He is far more than
human. He was the one who broke through the fear and religious persecution
by saying that it was not religious Law but Love that should govern our
lives. He was persecuted by the Pharisees, who merely saw him as a
"bleeding heart liberal" and therefore a threat to their theocratic
agenda, which I feel was not meant to revere God but rather to use God as
a weapon to control and govern others who they did not see as important or
as holy as they were. I find it so ironic that many who call themselves
Christian, who in reality wish to take the definition of Christian and
make it their own, so closely resemble the Pharisees of His day; more
concern is given to the "infallible Laws of the Bible" than to Love. Jesus
to me embodies God's Love for all of humankind. And that is why, although
I observe Christmas each year, I celebrate what it represents --the birth
of Christ, our savior, every day of the year.
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Jesus : A New Vision : Spirit, Culture, and the Life of Discipleship Marcus J. Borg Honest to Jesus : Jesus for a New Millennium Robert Walter Funk
Or search Amazon.com for books related to GLBT people and Christianity.
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